When you hear the phrase, "The pastor's wife," what comes to mind? Perhaps the picture of a godly saint ministering to her family and church with no thought of her own needs or desires. Now, ask yourself, Does my wife fit my definition of what a pastor's wife should be? I'm afraid that there are good men in the ministry who would have to confess that their wives do not fit their own definition of what a pastor's wife should be.
For years, pastors have sacrificially given themselves to the ministry of God's Word, often to the point of physical exhaustion. This sounds like a noble gesture. However, in the process of "burning out for Jesus" the man of God may have fallen into the trap of neglecting the one closest to him, that is, his wife. Let me share some suggestions to help you minister to your spouse.
First, make sure you're right with God! As odd as this may sound, your relationship with God is where your relationship with your wife begins. You see, as a pastor, we live in a fish bowl, with the entire community gazing in at us. Although this is not always comfortable, we can get use to it. However, when it comes to your wife, she is not on the outside of the fish bowl gazing in; she is on the inside swimming "fin to fin" with you! You may be able to hide your "pet sins" from those on the outside, but you'll be hard pressed to hide them from your wife. If you allow sin to remain in your life, Satan will remind you of the old cliché, with a twist: "You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool your wife." Stop trying to fool other people, including your wife, into believing that you're a "Super Christian." When you sin, repent! If you do not, then the flesh will tell you to withdraw from those that know the truth. This may work for a while, but remember the fish bowl is only so big.
Second, don't treat your wife like an employee. The truth of Matthew 9:37 is a reality that all pastors must face on a daily basis. "The harvest truly is plenteous, but the laborers are few." Be mindful that God gave your wife to you, not to the church. She is there to be your helpmeet, not the "do-all" of the church. Your job as pastor is to develop the saints for the work of the ministry (Ephesians 4:12), not to put everything on yourself, your children or your wife. Let us not forget our wives were given to us for more than typing letters, taking messages, and cleaning up after church functions. She is a woman, and should be treated as such. She is delicate, feminine, and emotional (or at least she should be).
Please don't resort to using your wife as if she were your assistant pastor or head custodian because such a mindset will ultimately yield an evil fruit that you will deeply regret. Learn to protect your wife from overdoing it. She does not have to be the head of every ladies group, or director of the Nursery or the last minute replacement for Sister Sally who decided not to come to Sunday School today. She is a human being that is "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14), and not a resource for you to further your career with. Allow her the opportunity to use her talents, abilities and spiritual gifts for the Lord. However, don't "burn her out for Jesus." Help her to "run patiently" (Hebrews 12:1-2).
Third, build her self-esteem. Often the pastor's wife will develop a poor self image simply because the "little things" in her marriage are not there. Someone opening the car door for her has vanished, holding hands with her husband is a pipe dream, going out on a date with the one she loves is so far out of reach that she seldom mentions it any more. These, and other "little things" may lead her to feel less valuable than she really is.
Pastor, do yourself a favor by building up your wife. Publicly praise her. Reward her for her efforts. Notice the little extra that she is constantly doing for you and the church. Don't just tell her she is special. Show her. Buy her something special. Don't think that a nice dress or blouse would make her look worldly. I realize that each family must have their own convictions regarding personal appearances, however, I do not believe it is unscriptural for our wives to look nice and feel good about themselves.
Last, if you want to minister to your wife, be her personal Bible teacher. It is easy to believe that since our wives are at every service and hear every message, then they should know what we know. However, this is not the case. Her Sunday schedule is probably as busy as yours. She may not be able to hear you preach or teach as much as she would like to, so make certain that you give her ample time outside of church for one-on-one discipleship. Never forget that your wife is more than a wife. She is a Christian. She needs someone to answer her questions and to disciple her in the faith. She needs someone to be a pattern as to how she should walk (I Peter 5:2-3). Pastor, make the time to feed your wife the Word of God. Don't allow your schedule to become so busy that you cannot find a night to sit down with your wife and answer her questions and disciple her in the faith.
As you implement these steps, and others as the Lord directs, it is my prayer that God will develop your wife into a great saint of God who will be greatly used in the furtherance of the Gospel and the coming Kingdom.
Leave a comment