Research about pastors' wives conveys both good news and bad news. First, the bad news. Roy Oswald of the respected Alban Institute, Washington D.C., says stress and burnout among clergy wives is as high as for pastors - and that's high! As resident 'holy woman' she's a walking target for everyone's unconscious expectations of what such a saint should be.
There's no one providing pastoral care for most clergy wives. Clergy families are often on the move, and such relocations are stressful. Parsonage living for many isn't easy. On controversial issues she must stay silent - or, as Carolyn Taylor Gutierrez has put it, be 'a holy noodlehead'.
Mary LaGrand Bouma calls them 'the walking wounded'. They can't be 'themselves' (often they are introduced as 'the minister's wife': are others 'the plumber's wife...'?). Many have tried to make close friends in the congregation - until trust was violated. Most have no-one with whom they can 'let their hair down'. Meredith Wells believes it's very important to have a close friend in another church. 'At dinner with a group of ministers and ministers' wives I happened to mention Marjorie, a member of one of the other churches in the area and one of my closest friends. "I didn't know Marjorie was a member of your church", someone said. "She's not", I replied, "That's why we're friends"'. She adds: 'If my basic need for human closeness is met outside the church I can continue to love freely within.'
Then there are the unfair expectations placed on the pastor's wife by 'the official women'. Because previous ministers' wives were president of the Ladies' Guild of course, dear, you'll be happy to oblige! Sometimes pastor-husbands fail to inform 'call committees' that their wives are to be treated like everyone else - their ministries will coincide with their own gifts and be within their own personal limits - not anyone else's! 'If this is 'pulling rank, then so be it', says Mary LaGrand Bouma.
Lyle Schaller believes congregations have to be taught how to 'say thank-you to the pastor's wife'. First, she ought to be invited with her husband initially to discuss the call (it's then her free choice whether she accepts or not). She ought to be involved in the question of parsonage vs. housing allowance. Then, her needs in the parsonage ought to have a hearing in some appropriate way. If she's a young mother, are her baby-sitting needs cared for? (She's often loathe to ask). Is the congregation too tough re its expectations that she 'turn up' to everything?
Many pastor's wives feel inhibited in pursuing their professional or hobby interests outside the Church: they are assumed to be the pastor's 'unpaid assistant'.
Clergy marriages and family-life are often under so much stress that 'Divorce in the Parsonage' is now the subject of books and articles.
There are incessant evening meetings following a rushed evening meal. And disappointed kids because a pastoral emergency has impinged on the family outing or holiday.
Pastors are often the last people to admit a need for counseling. Anglican dioceses in England are appointing special 'visitors' to help where clergy marriages have broken down. Clergy marital splits occur at the rate of 40-50 each year! It has been said that the church is one of the few institutions that 'shoots its wounded'. If a clergy marriage is strained, the pressures added by the church can be very unhelpful. Clergy wives 'share their man' with other women, and as pastors are the last 'helping professionals' to regularly visit women alone in their homes, there are unique temptations to cope with.
That great facilitator of ministry - the telephone - is also one of the greatest destroyers of pastors' family-life. I heard Richard ('Celebration of Discipline') Foster talk to seminarians at Fuller about 'fasting from the telephone'. He said he was astonished to learn of pastors answering a phone at family times; and even (would you believe?) during their prayer-times; and even (worse still!) during love-making!
However, there are joys in this service. Most minister's wives are generally happy in their roles. A Leadership survey found that 90% 'always' or 'often' enjoy being a pastor's wife; 65% feel fairly well equipped to be effective as pastors' wives; the most rewarding aspect said 43%, is 'seeing people grow in Christ'; and 94% said their children 'never' or 'seldom' complain about being 'PKs' (preachers' kids).
On the other hand, 21% wanted more privacy; 19% wanted to be thought of as an individual rather than as 'the pastor's wife'; 56% say they do not have close friends in the church (the biggest single problem in the survey); the husband's over-busy work-schedule is viewed by 25% as a source of conflict; 17% agreed that 'our family lives in a fishbowl with more expectations and increased pressures'; 60% of the wives expressed the need to further their training so they can serve better.
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